Do not worry! I’ll provide for you. Be Still! Be Calm! Fear not the Night! These phrases are my weapons in life’s challenges since I started practicing contemplative prayer. Last December, I felt a lump in my left breast. I told myself that I can’t deny it anymore that I have to face it and see a doctor. On January 5, 2006, my birthday, I went to UST for medical check-up and I had a mammography and an ultra sound. In an hour, all tests were done and the radiologist suspected malignancy in the mammography result.
I overcame step one – the mammography and ultrasound examination. Next is to consider surgery. My ever supportive sisters and nieces talked about my condition. I will now be dependent on my nieces. This was not my life in the family. I’m always the financer, but now God gave me the opportunity to experience dependency. I remembered the concern of my mother when she was still alive that I should save for myself because I am single and nobody could help me and it is difficult to rely on others. In her deathbed, she told my nieces that they should take care of me. I think this was now the time. God gave me this situation to tell me that I should not worry of being alone. Every single woman getting older cannot avoid entertaining such thoughts.
I am already a prayerful person but this situation has brought me closer to Him by my unceasing prayers. On January 9, I underwent mastectomy. Prayers helped me overcome all my fears. After two days, I checked out of the hospital. Recovery was fast with all the prayers but my next trial is to have the biopsy result. A week after, the surgeon told me that it is stage 3B. There is nothing I can do then but to accept that I have cancer.
My trust in the Lord, acceptance and prayers has made me strong. All will be well according to Sr. Eppie. God has a purpose for my sickness. Acceptance is the start of healing. God gave me the opportunity to rest and read religious books. My life has been centered on work but this time, I no longer worry of work. This is it! I became sick unexpectedly. I had plans but God had other plans for me.
I was able to attend retreat of Regina Rosarii [RR] which made me enjoy stillness, silence, calmness and peace. No worry! God provides! Abundance flows. With this in mind all the time, I put all my Trust in Him especially my finances for the six chemotherapy sessions plus the emotions I feel when I underwent chemo sessions. This sickness can drain one’s resources even one’s whole being. Now I realized that I really should have TOTAL SURRENDER TO HIM! Otherwise I will not survive.
Indeed God provided! I was able to have sufficient resources for my treatment. It is this time of my life that I experienced abundance. I was able to donate little amount for Mother Mary. Before, I had a hard time with money. I was always drained. I trusted Him and found out that He is the Great Provider!
My body accepted favorably my chemo treatment. Every time I was admitted in the hospital, there was always some kind of mixed emotions before I underwent treatment. To ease my anxiety, I have always practiced breathing exercises to calm me down.
Every after three to five days rest, after my chemo, I fly back to Iloilo. Then I would return back to Manila after three weeks for the chemo. This has been my life. My fear of being alone in Iloilo away from my family and fear of being contaminated or getting any other ailment disappeared. Life has been good. All my fears were not true. I was able to make it because I surrendered all things to God. I practiced contemplative prayer each day. This is my time to be alone with God as what the Regina Rosarii taught.
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